My Biggest Frustration

My biggest frustration is myself...

I feel like I could publish this post now and you would understand, but I won't because I don't want you to fall into the same traps that I have and I want to you recognize things in yourself, should they try to creep up on you.

I realize how selfish I am.  Yes, sometimes I do resent homeschooling.  I would love to have coffee at Starbucks with friends and have a gym membership and shop without having to take my posse with me.  Not to mention how clean my house would be if they weren't home all the time.  And just think of all the me time I  have missed out on.  This is me some days.  But not so much anymore.  I think it hit me when we went to the beach and I overhead some mothers that were playing mini golf complaining that summer had just started and they already couldn't wait to get their kids back to school.  And they started talking about all the things they could be doing.  I realized at that moment that I loved having my kids with me all the time.  My house could only be so clean.  If I had a gym membership, I wouldn't use it because I don't really like to leave my house that much.  I can be such a tightwad that going to Starbucks on a regular basis was out of the question.  My boys are old enough to stay home alone but I still bribe one of them to go shopping with me.  People think I'm weird if I talk to myself the whole time I'm at Walmart.  And me time...well, I'll have more than enough of that once they leave home.  And I get whatever me time I want anyway.  Scott is more than willing to take care of the boys and always has been.

I am the queen of comparing.  I think I've always been that way.  I didn't like being different when I was younger and I don't like being different now.  I will compare the way I look, dress, eat, sleep, teach, clean, schedule, pray, read, cook, parent, wife...wow, just listing those things is wearing me out.  I don't know how much time and money I have spent trying to do what someone else is doing.  I am getting better.  (I think).  The key for me is finding confidence from God that what He has made me to be is perfect to Him.  It is hard sometimes, but as long as I am obedient and let Him guide me down the path He has me on, then it really doesn't matter what anyone else has or is doing or looks like or...He loves me, for me!  I will no longer doubt my ability to create an amazing school year for my kids.  It may be different from yours but it will be great.  I quit telling people what curriculum I use because I don't want someone to fall into the trap that thinks mine is perfect.  I eat what I want.  And it will look different than what you eat.  Who really cares.

Didn't even know this one until recently, but boy am I controlling.  Especially when it comes to my kids.  It's really hard to cut those apron strings.  When someone is with you all day, everyday, it's hard to let them make their own choices and find their own way.  Especially if those choices aren't what you think are the best.  I had this "plan" when they were young.  I don't know how realistic of a plan it was but everyone else was on the same boat so I got on (see paragraph above).  This is what it looked like...My boys will all grow up and become missionaries and not date until they are finished with college and never break the law and always fit the mold that every other homeschool child fits into and never ever have a rebellious bone in their body because if they do/don't do any of those things then I have failed as a parent.  An amazing lie straight from the pit of Hell, if you ask me.  Flash forward to present day...not all of things have happened.  After a certain age they start wanting to fit into a mold they have created for themselves.  It doesn't look like the mold I made.  They don't think like I think anymore.  They want to dress different and date.  And being a missionary is not, well, what they are called to do.  Letting go is the hardest thing I've ever done to this point.

My biggest frustration may be myself but my biggest encouragement is that I have three wonderful sons that I have had the privilege of homeschooling and one day they will find their way in this big world.  For whatever reason, God thought that I would be the best mother for them.  I am standing on this promise--

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Hope I haven't scared you away.  This is just my frustration.  Maybe you don't/wouldn't have the same issues I have.  God is finished with me yet.

Find out what frustrates these ladies.



                             Clockwise:

Lorrie @ Life and Lessons Learned, Selena @ Glen Campbell Clan, Kathleen @ Positive Adoption,

Audrey @ Everything Beautiful, Charli @ WV Urban Hippie, Tracey @ Building My House 

and Maria @ The Joyfully Frugal Home

Jessica @ Redeeming the Home